Can You Be a Great Mother and Work Too?

My mother told me in a private conversation the summer before she died that one of her greatest regrets was not having had a career. Motherhood had been difficult both emotionally and financially she offered, as she reflected back over her life.  I had been probing her. My reasons were selfish. It had to do with my own self discovery.

My intention was to tell her that I harbored huge reservoirs of feeling unwanted.  Real or not, I felt that way. Born the sixth child to my parents, there never seemed to be enough time and space to accommodate my needs.  I was certainly confident and head strong. Often my prayers to God were inquisitive. I asked him why he had not made me an only child who had her own bedroom.  My mother gave her life to all of us.  She kept her faith. Rita continued to honor her the  Catholic church and God gave her three more kids as she entered into her fourth decade.

“Don’t take it personally.” She comforted me when I told her I felt unwanted. “I never wanted the last seven of you.”

My mom was rather funny at times and perhaps she was really just joking.  The trouble is that it seemed like a real answer to me.

I  sat there in disbelief. At the time the words sounded harsh. Now reviewing over my own choices of having children, I know exactly what she meant.

She wanted something different.

It was not either right or wrong.  It just was.

It was a reflection of the times and her choices.

As I reflect over the last twenty-five years, I do believe can you can do both well if you find balance.  I do have my own regrets.  I wish I would have worked less and spent more quality time with my kids.  When I got out of college I believed you could have it all.  Then time had a way of sneaking up on me and the demands of my work and children became even greater.  The need to work out of my house seemed more of a necessity than a luxury.  It allowed me to be home when the kids left and arrived for school.  After they went to sleep I could work in my office from eight till midnight. It seemed to work as we muddled through adolescence.

What my mother was trying to say that day was that it was not about choosing kids or a big time smoking career.  It was really about balance no matter what choices I made.   The healthiest children often come from families that have the luxury of the mother or father working part-time.  It is my belief that children need you the most the first five years, during puberty, and when they enter the work force.  I do not believe that children are hurt by having others care in schools and learning centers.  The social skills we learn in these places are integral to our growth.  Most adults will enrich a child’s life with the parents being the best and most enduring of the role models.

So to answer the question that I posed above, yes I do think you can be a great mother and work too.   My advice is to find yourself in your work and find your kids in yourself.  You won’t regret it.